Jill Sandwich
by Onkwehonwe Kashatstenhshera
Summary: Some random craziness involving the Rez Eve characters all the result of one blunt too many and a bit too much free time. Suck at the summary but the title was catchy & hopefully you'll like the story its just goofy nonsense.
1. Prologue

_Okay so I found a few parodies on here that was funny as hell, bear with me I'm new at writing them myself and I don't know that I could do a rewrite but I'll try my best to make it funny just go easy on me!_

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><p><em>1998<em>

_Somewhere In a Random Umbrella Lab..._

__Birkin came through the doors and Albert turned to face him spinning his chair around, slowly, ominously. "Did you bring what I asked for?" He asked observing William through his sunglasses. "I did. Are you sure about this?" He asked, with a hint of anxiety in his voice. "We're talking about hundreds, possibly thousands of lives at risk here if we allow this to happen."

Albert calmly remarked, "This city needs a disaster to bring it to ashes. Only the worthy will survive. The S.T.A.R.S. members have been suspended by Chief Irons. It is far easier to accomplish goals when your former team mates believe that you are dead. For now, we wait. We wait for nature to take its course. There should be some of the B.O.W's that have survived the mansion. They will make their way down the Arklay Mountains into Raccoon soon enough. Everybody is doing their part and you and I, Mr. Birkin, needn't do a thing. We merely watch and enjoy."

William looked at his friend and said, "Are you sure? You want to do this?" Wesker firmly said, "I will not repeat myself." He stood up out of his chair and William said, "As you wish." The two began kissing and William brushed some papers of of his desk. Wesker's erection bulged through his tight leather pants and he smiled evilly. "I have a dangerous weapon indeed! You shall be the first to witness its glory." He ripped his pants off with super human power to reveal a leopard speedo. "Holy shit! Wow, that's big! My stupid wife doesn't even have a dick. Jackpot!" William beamed and they embraced again, William also fully erect and Wesker smiled. "Impressive! Most impressive. But you are not a God yet." As their penis's touched. Birkin smiled this time, "Star Wars reference! Love it!"

Wesker threw him against the desk wit h super human speed ad Birkin cried out, "Ahhh! My balls! My throbbing fuck stick! Geez!" Wesker super sped over to him and pulled his pants down and in a speedy blur had his black gloved hand inside a jar of Vaseline, a sadistic smile on his face. "I'll show YOU the force!" Just then, William's cellular phone rang. Wesker pouted as William picked it up and screamed in a high pitched girly voice, "Why is she always interrupting us like this? This is my time with you! MINE!"

William rolled his eyes and said, "Science damn it! This will only take a moment Albert. I hate this bitch." He picked up the phone. "What's up, lil mama? Yes, everything is going just fine with the research and I can't wait until tonight!" As he talked with his wife, his voice dropped to a lower tone sounding strangely like Barry White. "Bad girl! Well just drop by my office after work. Oh yeah, you know that lacy bra I like? The one with the tassels? I'll be wearing that when you get here!"

He got off the phone and rolled his eyes. He walked over to the closet and tossed his phone down in frustration. "That bitch! I hate her! She's never supported me in my research of the virus and she doesn't appreciate any of my hard work. Why, I doubt she would even miss me if I were gone! She cares nothing for my legacy! Now go away! I'll be in here if you need me." He said as he went fully inside the closet. Wesker said, "Come now, William, come on out of there! You don't need her! We still have each other and I support you."

William was in tears. He started t set his foot outside of the closet door but said, "Oh, I can't! I just can't at this point! I'm scared! What about you? Have you told your co workers about us? I hardly doubt it!" Wesker stepped halfway into the closet and halfway out of it saying, "William, broham! You must understand its hard for people like them to understand the type of relationship we have! They would never let me hear the end of it!" William stepped halfway inside and halfway outside just as Albert did. "Well, maybe I have the solution. You two could share me." Wesker's eyebrows raised in curiosity. "You mean a threesome?" William nodded. "Yeah! Me you and Annette!"

Just then, the sound of air deflating from a balloon filled the room. "What in the dickens was that?" Wesker covered his crotch saying, "Nothing! Nothing at all..." The two waited and went back at it for another ten minutes.

Just then a group of Umbrella mercenaries burst through the door. "So you've finally come..." William said and Hunk as well as his team member looked at each other with confusion. "What did you say? Were you talking to us?" William sheepishly said, "Uh...right yeah...you..."

Hunk informed him, "Doctor, we're here to collect the virus sample." William narrowed his eyes, "What are you talking about? You could get that virus from anywhere in the Castro district in San Francisco or Boys Town in Chicago. Why do you need mine?" Hunk looked at the other USS member and asked, "Are you sure we're talking about the same virus?"

William continued, "Of course we are! I'm not the first to make it. Sure they say we got it from a rhesus monkey but I think you and I both know Uncle Sam spread the virus in Africa to wipe out the Blacks and in America to wipe out the gays. A fine example of our tax dollars at work." Hunk scratched his head, "Uh actually we meant the G virus."

William, pistol in hand, said, "Me too! The gay virus...oh you mean the newer one! Well doesn't this beat all! Well I appreciate you two coming here to visit but I'm not about to hand over my life's work. I don't know what Wesker would do with this virus but me personally, I just thought it'd be funny to release this at Disneyland and then my fucking brat of a daughter can stop begging me to go there on a trip!" As he backed up he knocked over a metal container behind him and the other man fired a burst of rounds into the man's chest. William fell clutching his bloody chest.

Annette burst into the room, "William! Oh my. Hold on darling I'm taking care of that bullet wound first." She left and William sighed. "Jesus and I thought getting shot was the bad part."

Albert Wesker stared down at the wounded man and said, "This was nothing personal, William. Just business." William looked at him and said, "You mean...all those nights, that night in Paris...it was all a lie...?"

Wesker calmly said, "Look, I had some doubts about my own sexuality and I just wanted to try with you and see if I was and...as it turned out I wasn't! I mean, I'm meant to be a God, not a Roman Emperor! Oh but keep this between us buddy, I don't want our fraternity brothers from college thinking I'm crazy or queer or something!"

William sighed as he left and said, "Great...my true lover is still in the closet and my wife is irritating. If I have to see that bitch again I'm gonna need something to help me through it." He injected the syringe into his chest and as his eyes turned red he said, "What...? This isn't the heroin I bought from that Cambodian dude...GOD DAMN IT!"

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><p><em>That's pretty much the first chapter of this random shit this is my first crack at a humor fic so please go easy on me, no flames please! Hope you enjoyed the subtle humor too. R&amp;R!<em>


	2. The Mansion

_Hey so im not good at parodies but i figured I should still go ahead with it_

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><p>They were flying through the Arklay Mountains on the search for Bravo Team. Chris was loading his pistol saying, "This Beretta is sweet! Who needs the luscious curve of a woman when I've got you? I'll die before I ever let anybody take you from me."<p>

Barry looked at his old partner as he packed his backpack with necessities and said, "Chris, you 're being kinda queer with that thing. I mean sure I'm a gun enthusiast as much as the next guy and I picked the right career for it I'm even in a super secret organization but even I don't love guns that much and our organization is pretty much all about violence!"

Chris was puzzled, "Super secret organization revolved around violence? Isn't that just the NRA? What's so secret about that?" Barry gulped and said, "The NRA...right! Uh yep. You got me," While nobody was looking he adjusted his back pack and shoved down the pointed white hood made of a white pillow sheet with eye holes cut in it was no longer invisible.

Chris frowned, "But me and Claire have never been apart ever since we met two years ago! We even bathe together!" Jill shot her partner a funny look. "Why would you bathe with a gun? It's dangerous, you're naked and it wouldn't work in there.

Chris nervously said, "Hey...you never know...People could try stuff while I'm in my birthday suit...it's just for protection against uh...commies and..Jehovah's Witnesses. Nothing sexual whatsoever about that. Nothing at all!"

Wesker growled, "Would you all please stop discussing homosexuality and guns? Chris, if you are going to keep being weird with that gun, I'm going to have to take it away from you."

Barry chuckled, "What's wrong with discussing homos, Wesker? What are you a little light in the loafers, boy? You a limp wristed pillow biter?!" Wesker snarled, "No! I'm so much not a homosexual that I...killed a scientist for insinuating I was! His wife had some great knockers so I knobbed her...we had sex on top of his dead body..."

Barry's eyes widened at this story. "Dude...you had sex with a dead guy' wife on top of the dead guy? After you killed him?" Wesker nodded. "Why...yes! She insisted upon it. She said he was...involved in extra marital affairs with some blonde man with an American accent but who occasionally sounded British. I much prefer a woman's wet dripping slit to that of uh...some dudes butt hole."

Barry repeated himself, "You boned some hot babe on top of a dead guy? A gay dead guy which pretty much makes it necrophilia even if he's not aware of it?! You are so..." Wesker dreaded he was going to call him gay but Barry said, " That is so Hetero! High five, buddy!" Wesker scowled through his sunglasses but high fived him and Barry said, "Hoo yah, brother! I wish I could have seen that!"

Chris was puzzled, "Yeah but isn't that kind of gay? I mean you had sex with a dead gay guy on top of his body. Maybe that's not gay but it's not straight either. You had a threesome! And not even the cool kind."

Barry didn't agree with his best friend, "Chris you're reading too much into it, buddy. You see Wesker is actually super hetero. Sure he had sex with a dead gay man's husband on top of the gay man's corpse but by doing that he was actually mocking him and showing him what he was missing out on by being a hershey highway patrolmen! By banging his wife! It's not gay that it was on top of him, even if he was naked. He's showing him how to be a real man by nailing her naked on top of him while naked! It's like BOOM BOOM BOOM! My dick my balls in her snatch right in your face watching me thrust, the sweat of my hairy back as I drive into her dripping slit..."

Chris shook his head. "I don't know, Barry. That sounds like he's bi...oh what's that word I forget...it's like a middle ground between gay and normal..."

Wesker grabbed Chris by the throat and said, "Are you accusing me of being bi lingual?! I'm a Christian man! I should shoot you where you sit and throw you out of this helicopter!"

Jill said, "Calm down, Albert. Chris, I don't think Wesker is gay. This isn't the Navy. This is S.T.A.R.S. we're like the Marines of the police force. Not the Navy. Then again I kind of like the idea of a threesome either way. With two girls or two guys."

Chicken Heart said, "Technically if you were with three girls that would be a four way," Jill corrected him, "No because I'd be one of the three girls. It would still be a threesome but it would be a sushi eating threesome. Sometimes a man just does't know how to eat me right so I need a woman to tongue punch my hot spot."

Wesker looked at Jill with a curiosity, "You're not straight?Are you telling me you are bi lingual?With those sweater puppies I thought for sure you would be!" Jill chuckled, "Wesker, I'm a female cop! The guys who let us in are all gay since they're liberal and they're the ones that let us bed cops in the first place. All female cops have had to eat some snatch somewhere down the line. Have you seen your average lady cop? They look more like Montana lumberjacks. Like if Rosie' O'Donnel and Jodie Foster had a baby...I'm lucky I turned out looking as good as I did..."

Barry pointed out, "But Jodie Foster isn't a lesbo, Jilly bean. She's a cock hound. I mean I can't count how many movies I've seen her in where she was with a man. Plus there was that one movie where she banged a bunch of guys on the pin ball machine I mean she was very clearly a willing participant and seemed to enjoy it very much!"

Jill crossed her arms. "Oh you'll see what I'm talking about...trust me you'll see..."

Brad had a question, "Wait you said that the gay guy you had sex with a woman on top of had been cheating with some blonde guy who was American yet sometimes had a British accent? That sounds suspiciously like you, Albert..."

Wesker tried to sound as American as possible. "What are you talking about, bub? I love apple pie, Ikea, Sony, enchiladas from Aztecas, Volkswagen cars, Oktober Fest, St. Patty's day parades and IRA bombings as much as the next guy! I'm all American! For you to contradict ,me makes you a commie!"

Barry laughed as he cracked open a can of Coors. "Yer damn right! Brad, isn't it obvious what clearly happened? Obviously Al here just looks like his type it's not like he would ever bat for the other team! He probably just looked almost identical to the queer this guy was boning and mistake Albert for him. Albert shot him and then boned his wife on top of his dead naked body as a big middle finger to him, Liberace and Elton John! Real men like Ted Nugent, Ricky Martin and Neil Patrick Harris would be proud of you, buddy."

Joseph, who had been surprisingly quiet, said to Albert, "I for one thing it would be perfectly fine to be bi lingual, Captain. I think it's sexy."

Albert scowled at the man. "Joseph, we have a strict don't ask don't tell policy. I suggest you quit acting like a Roman and start thinking like a Spartan. They were the epitome of heterosexuality!" Just then a bunch of dogs started running toward them Barry cried out, "WHAT IS IT?!"

Jill scolded, "Goddamn it, Barry that's not your line yet! Haven't you ever seen Animal Planet? They're pumas!" Chris fired at one of them saying, "I don't think so Jill...they look like dogs to me..."

Jill snarled, "Damn it Chris you bone head they have ears that stick up Everybody knows all dogs have floppy ears!" Wesker ordered Barry, "Try to flank them!" Barry replied, "Sir yes sir!" He saluted Captain Wesker by extending the right arm in the air with a straightened hand.

"Uh...Barry this is America. That's not how you salute your Captain. And get your gun out you idiot!"

Barry aimed his Colt at Wesker's face and said, "Yes sir! Ooops i mean uh..." He used his other hand to salute him the right way before he began discharging the pistol.

Just then some of the dogs pounced on Joseph and began to chomp on him. "Oh dear God...help!" Chris ran up to the dog and started going, "Tssst! No! No! That's a bad dog! You get off him! Jill killed one of them with a head shot and yelled, "Idiot, that's not how you do it! You have to shoot them!"

Chris fired an entire mag into the pack and dropped two of them. Chris turned to Brad and said, "Hey Vickers we gotta get outta here! We'll call the station for backup! These dogs are all over!" Brad snorted, "Sucks to be you!" He began to fly out of there. Jill cursed, "Shit! We're all going to die and that asshole is going to probably live to be an old man!"

Chris calmly said, "Yeah probably."

Chris looked to see more dogs coming so he removed a bag of beef jerky and threw it which distracted them and Chris began to take off for the mansion. "Somebody help me please...!" He cried like a little girl. Barry finished off the dogs attacking Joseph and took is wallet. Albert scolded him,"The man just died! Sure he was bi partisan but that's no reason to steal his money!"

Barry got a flare of anger in his face. "How dare you!" He grabbed him by the collar pointing the .357 at his face. "Do I look like my name is Barry Burton? Or Barry Goldstein?! What kind of crook do you take me for?!"

The larger man then saw a coupon. "Oooh! Buy one Baskin and Robins double scoop get another free! Sweet! Ah well Joe! Have fun in hell! I'm sure there will be other bi polars with you buddy. Say hi to Gandhi for me!"

They high tailed it to the mansion and Barry grabbed Chris by the collar this time as they got inside. "Just what the hell do you think you're doing, Chris? That was a perfectly good bag of Jack's Links you just threw to those damn mutts!"

Chris explained, "I was unable to reload I was just trying to buy some time so they'd feed on something besides me!" Barry frowned, "Very selfish of you Chris! You shouldn't have thrown it to the dogs you should have thrown it to my belly! Damn you!"

Wesker told them, "Shut up. We need to figure out where we are."

Just then they heard a gunshot. "What was that?" Wesker asked. "Maybe it's...Chris?" Barry suggested. "I'm right here you dumb ass!" Barry retorted, "Well maybe I'd be able to concentrate better if I wasn't so hungry! Who the fuck throws away an entire bag of jerky! Dick move!"

Chris said, "Well I killed just as many of those hyenas as you did, Bear. I killed some of God's innocent creatures...our national symbol in this country...and I actually liked it. I think death turns me on!"

With that he kissed the gun. "All thanks to you, Claire. God you're so beautiful," With that he began to deep throat the gun's barrel and rolled his eyes back in his head. "Oh Claire...you taste so much like mom. You smell like papa breathing down my neck after a hard day mining coal...oh baby..." He left a trail of saliva.

Albert put a stop to this. "That's enough. Give me your gun. I won't have any of that foolishness."

Chris handed it over and said, "Will I get her back?" Wesker said, "I'll think about it. Now go and investigate that noise. Me, Barry and Jill are going to try and find a Wendy's. Do you want us to bring you something when we get back?" Chris thought a moment and then said, "Pepperoni pizza."

With that he went off to investigate the noise.

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><p><em>Okay that's all for this very brief chapter I'll try and parody the other RE games once i finish with this one I'm, not sure how my warped humor appeals to any of you but hopefully you will have enjoyed some of it. As you can see all of the characters are very dumb I like that kind of humor where people on TV shows get things so incorrect you just feel bad for them.<em>

_As for Jodie Foster the joke in that is she did come out as a lesbian the reference to her on a pin ball machine was a reference to that film The Accused if you saw that movie and that scene you'd know it was pretty horrible and no laughing matter but a lt of the jokes from cartoons like family guy and drawn together since then where Peter or Captain Hero gets raped was pretty funny to me and I just thought the absurdity in what Barry said should make you face palm and hopefully chuckle at the same time. _

_Any who this isn't as serious as my action/romance/horror RE stories but feedback is appreciated_


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